Maybe I could rest beneath your smile
by KayleeMariee
Summary: Cloud tries to figure out his thoughts about the two women in his life. Cloti. Slight Clerith. Spoilers of Crisis Core and Cloud's mental state.


This is a fic written in a series of short paragraphs. They are all Cloud's feelings about Tifa and Aerith, and the confusion he goes through.

She was beautiful. Her dark hair set off her creamy white skin flawlessly. All he could think about was her pretty eyes, and he thought about them for days. He'd only seen her from afar. She was always surrounded by the same three boys, who never protected her enough. They were there all the time, but she still scraped her knees and she still cut her finger. He told himself he would never let that happen to her. Because when you're young skinned knees are the worst of your problems.

-x-

He waited at the well, shivering from the cold, but his heart was warm and beating quickly. He didn't know why she'd agreed to see him. He just knew she had agreed and this had set his heart alight. He saw her approach the well and stared down at her. Her light blue dress was far too thin for this cold weather. But he hadn't brought a coat to give her. _Next time_, he promised himself. _Next time I'll give her whatever she needs_.

-x-

Zack had asked him about his hometown. He didn't know what to talk about. It was just a country town where the same families had lived for centuries. Zack decided this wasn't a good enough answer. He asked about the people. This caused the blond to blush, as he stared at his hands. The blush had caught Zack's attention. He was then forced to talk about the girl he had never stopped thinking about since he left. He told Zack he had left Nibelheim for her. To impress her. To get strong so he could go home and be her hero. That was his dream, and all he would ever want.

-x-

When he had been informed he was returning to Nibelheim he was devastated. He wasn't a SOLDIER yet. He couldn't return home yet. He had told everyone he wouldn't return until he was a hero. Most of all, he didn't want to feel like he'd failed her. He reluctantly agreed to join his close friend Zack on the trip, along with the mighty Sephiroth. _If I was like him, nothing could get past me to hurt her. If I was like him, maybe she'd care for me._

-x-

He stared at her through his helmet. She hadn't recognized him, and for this he was thankful. She was angry with him, for not letting her into the reactor, but he didn't mind. If she was here he could monitor her. Maybe even protect her. He shook his head and returned to studying her. She had grown since he left, filled out. Her legs looked miles long, wrapped in a short skirt. He knew he shouldn't like the way she looked, that he would never be good enough for her, but he couldn't help but stare. She was beautiful.

-x-

_No, please no_. He couldn't live if she was dead. He dropped to his knees next to her. He pressed two fingers to her cold neck and sighed. She was alive. She was his first priority. His second was to end the life of the bastard who hurt her. He rushed into the room marked 'JENOVA'. There he was. The mighty Sephiroth. He saw the buster sword and looked at Sephiroth's turned back. He would never get another opportunity like that. This awful man had hurt her, burned down his home town, and hurt his best friend Zack. This had to end now. He picked up the heavy sword and lunged.

-x-

He scrambled back out to the place where she was laying. He picked her up and moved her to the side, brushing her hair out of her face, gazing at her face. He wanted to stay next to her forever. Maybe he would quit Shin-Ra, and he would come home and stay with her. Even if she didn't want him he would at least be near her. He would know she was safe. His thoughts were spiraling through his head so fast he almost didn't hear the footfalls on the grated stairs. So Sephiroth was still alive. Sephiroth walked straight past him, with eyes focused hard on what was ahead. He faintly heard his friend telling him to end this. He stood up and ran after the first class SOLDIER. His anger took over and he barely had control over his actions until he felt the blade enter his chest. Then his senses all came back, and they were hyper aware. _No,_ he told himself. _I can't die. I have to protect her, always._ So his hands moved of their own free will, grabbing the katana and throwing Sephiroth to the depths of Mako below. She was the reason he was living. He rushed back to her and looked once more into her red-brown eyes before collapsing onto the cold floor.

-x-

Falling. He was falling. He felt a pair of arms catch him. Zack. He wanted to talk to him. To thank him for releasing him from that awful place. But he couldn't speak. He tried to move his arms and legs but couldn't. Was he paralyzed? No. His mind was fuzzy and he couldn't remember what had happened. He wanted to ask Zack where they were and what they were doing there but he could barely move his lips. When he finally forced them open his questions came out as groans. Zack told him to relax. Zack brought him to an inn and sat him on the bed. He looked around angrily. _Why can't I move? Why can't I speak? Why can't I remember?_

-x-

Mako poisoning. That's what Zack had told him. That's what was wrong with him. He was getting used to not talking or moving now. He could almost feel his memories slipping away from him. He would drift in and out of consciousness. But he heard Zack talking to him, and it kept him sane. Hearing a voice talk to him, say his name and joke around, made him feel alive.

-x-

He sat at a train station, barely conscious, having just witnessed the death of his best friend. But that memory, just like all the others, was becoming more and more clouded. After a few minutes he couldn't remember it at all. All he remembered was her. He felt like that memory was fading away until he saw her. She was directly in front of him. He stared at her for a few seconds, trying to make himself speak. He was so used to not speaking that he was shocked when he heard her name cross his lips. 'Tifa'.

-x-

Black was all he saw. His mind grasped in the darkness, looking for something to latch on to. It caught on to a voice, trying to wake him. He opened his eyes to see a girl all in pink. She was pretty, but a certain part of him yearned for her. He couldn't understand what it was. His heart belonged to Tifa – one of the only things he still remembered – but a part of his mind seemed to gravitate towards this new woman. She said her name and it engraved itself on the inside of his mind. 'Aerith'.

-x-

He had to save her. Tifa was in danger. He faintly remembered a promise he made to himself. That while he was around Tifa would never be hurt. Aerith was telling him something. She was telling him to dress like a girl. He scoffed, but deep inside he knew he would do anything.

-x-

She was dead. He had almost killed her himself. All because he was a Sephiroth clone. The maniacal SOLDIER could control him. He took a few days to himself. He let himself brood over the death of Aerith and successfully lay all the blame on himself. His heart ached for her, and felt as though it might rip out of his chest. Was this what love was? Did he love Aerith? He didn't know. And now he would never know.

-x-

Graphic images flashed through his mind at a rapid pace. Nibelheim; the reactor; a dark haired man; Tifa at the train station she found him at. He couldn't focus on one image for long enough to fully understand. What was happening? Where was Tifa? He knew she was close. He could feel her. Their closeness throughout the journey had unlocked this bond. He always knew when she was near. He felt his icy heart thaw and his unreadable expression would sometimes slip. But he was quick at putting his façade back together. He tried to call out, to let her know he was here, and he was looking for her. But he couldn't speak. He felt his chest collapse into a sob. Why couldn't he call to her? He needed her here. She was his strength and without her he was nothing. Was this what love was? Did he love Tifa? He didn't know, but this time he was determined to find out. Then he heard her. Her voice cut through all his violent thoughts and soared to his mind. He reached out for her. _Tifa!_ His mind ached to call to her. He heard her say his name and his whole body relaxed. He started to black out and the last thing he heard was her frantic cry. 'Cloud!'

-x-

It was just the two of them. He was under the Highwind with Tifa. He had sent everyone away to find something to fight for. Tifa had confessed to him that she had nothing left. Her parents were dead, her hometown destroyed and rebuilt as though nothing had happened. He was contemplating this when she completely took him off guard. 'As long as I'm with you… As long as you're by my side…I won't give up even if I'm scared.'

Her words inscribed themselves into his mind and he wanted to keep them there forever. He forced himself to talk. He had thought hard about what he wanted to say to her. 'There are a lot of things I wanted to talk to you about. But now that we're together like this, I don't know what I really wanted to say…' He was furious with himself and his clouded mind. He needed her to know how he felt but he couldn't get the words out. So instead he laughed nervously. 'I guess nothing's changed at all… kind of makes you want to laugh.'

She was facing away from him, and she muttered the words he would remember for the rest of his life. 'Cloud…words aren't the only thing that tells people what you're thinking…'

-x-

He knew now, in his heart, that they were meant to be. He lived with her now, in her new bar in Edge. They were still only friends but he knew they were more. The way she looked at him still sent shivers up his spine and her nervous touches made him freeze. But he had decided his feelings would never change for this woman. He was certain that what he felt for her was love. He knew now that he felt Zack's feelings for Aerith, when his mind was still confused and bipolar.

He stared at himself in the mirror. This was the right time. He heard Tifa walk up the stairs and enter the room they still shared. She smiled at him and put the towels from her shower in the laundry. He watched her brush out her long dark hair which contrasted against her pink housecoat. He stood up slowly and walked up behind her. She stood and turned to face him with a questioning look on her face. He didn't talk. She had told him once that they weren't necessary to show a person's thoughts. So he let his actions speak his mind. He closed the small gap between them and nervously placed his lips on Tifa's. Her hands ran up into his spiked hair and he felt as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. A weight he'd carried since he saw the dark haired girl in the blue dress at the well.


End file.
